A Friday of Total Unfunnery

I apologize for the total lack of bloggy goodness over the past two weeks. Not one to take ownership of my own faults/laziness, I'll just blame someone totally random.

So Mrs. Gambino (my first grade teacher), I'm looking straight at you.

Deflection of culpability aside, I thought I'd share my Unfun Friday (tm) with you, my loyal reading audience of non-unfun. I traveled to a certain unnamed institution of higher education that fateful day for a day conference on Immigration. For the sake of people who may Google this school's name and link my vitriol with...well, me...we'll just say this school's name rhymes with Rons Topkins Zuniversity, (located in Faltimore, Scaryland).

I made pretty good time driving to Topkins, probably because I drove at speeds normally reserved for travelling back to 1985 in a Delorean. Getting there early enough, I foolishly figured that the complimentary coffee would be...you know...hot. Fortunately, they also ran out of milk, so at least my cup of joe couldn't turn into a Javacicle.

The morning session was scheduled to run roughly two hours, which was scheduled to consist of five government officials giving us updates on Immigration matters. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), each official's update sounded something like, "Well, I don't really have any updates."

Special update: The government is clueless. Now back to our regularly scheduled bloggery.

The afternoon session didn't yield much new information either. If you ever need proof, be sure to ask for my grand total of one page of notes, all surrounded by drawings of the 7-Up Cool Spot.

"Dan?" you ask.
"Yes?"
"Why are you drawing an outdated 90s mascot?"
"Because my stick figure looked like shit. Now stop asking questions."

Since my brain could not possibly take in any more information (tongue firmly planted in cheek), I left a couple of minutes early, figuring that I could perhaps beat rush hour traffic.

Yeah, you know where this one is going.

After discovering that Baltimore doesn't feel the need to adequately inform its driving public of the exact whereabouts of I-95, I eventually made it to said highway, cruising along at only subDelorean speeds. All of the sudden, I went from subDelorean to subcorpse, as traffic came to a complete standstill for 10 miles for alleged "emergency road construction."(I say alleged because I never saw one worker or road cone.)

Once I escaped this ten mile stretch of me coming up with very new and creative combinations of cuss words, it was smooth sailing...for about 10 minutes. Suddenly, I hit another patch of standstill suckery. Imagine my shock (and my even more creative usage of said swear words) when I discovered it was an old-fashioned gaper delay, as my entire stretch of 95-North decided to gawk at an accident on 95-South. All told, my anticipated 90-minute trip home turned into three-and-a-half hours of suck. As I finally approached a home I now love more than ever, I thought about all of the better uses of time I could have made during that 195-minute stretch. I could have...

• Watched 13 episodes of Robot Chicken
• Sat through one full sitting of Fellowship of the Ring, gotten up to go to the bathroom, and start watching The Two Towers
  
• Taken 6.5 thirty-minute naps
• Lost all my money on online poker, only to subsequently figure out what I'm going to do with the next 185 minutes of my time
• Taken 3.25 sixty-minute naps
• Not sat in traffic

Fortunately, I made up for doing nothing sitting in my car by doing nothing sitting on my couch all weekend. Go me.

Until next time...
Dan