Money in the (Red) Bank

On Saturday, I traversed to Red Bank, NJ with Mike, Rusty, Chrissy, Melanie, and her friend Melissa. Already you must be asking, "Golly gee Dan, Red Bank is two hours away. So what's there? Family? An amusement park? An historical landmark?"

Try a comic book store, a convenience store, and White Castle. But my friends, this trip wasn't just for any comic book or convenience store (especially considering my comic knowledge begins and ends with Garfield). Being the pop culture whores that we are, we made the trek to visit the Secret Stash and Quick Stop Groceries, respectively Kevin Smith's comic store and location where Clerks was filmed. And as for White Castle? Well, we figured Harold and Kumar went to hell and back to get some Sliders (albeit in a perpetually stoned state), so we should follow suit.

See? I told you that we were pop culture whores.

Now as someone who has made a non-paying career out of endlessly bashing New Jersey, I drove into Red Bank expecting to find plenty of fodder for my blog. Fortunately, my expectations were surpassed, which shouldn't surprise anyone given the fact that this is a state that does not trust its citizens to pump their own gas.

Now before I continue, I'm sure that I have a reader or two from Jersey reading this right now. If I have offended you in any way, I want to sincerely urge you to move to another state. You'll thank me later.

But I digress.

Driving through Jersey, we came across so many landmarks that I kept my camera readily available for Mike to take pictures from the passenger's seat (and by landmark, I mean "crap that we found funny"). Unfortunately, we couldn't get out the camera in time to snap a picture of a sign for "Leonard Public School", in which the "l" in "public" was conspicuously absent. However, thanks to the magic of red lights, we were able to take a photograph of...well...I'll let you judge for yourself at first:


Still confused as to what our perverted, subadolescent minds found so hysterical? Look closely at the clown's right hand. Let's just say that he certainly seems to be enjoying himself quite a bit.

Now, thanks to the fact that I could design a more-navigable road in SimCity than Jersey's supposed "highway engineers" , we were able to come across a few more "I Couldn't Photoshop This If I Tried" gems:




God willing, I never have to go to their subsidiary, "Brain Surgery for P*ssies."

After hitting all of the landmarks that we intentionally and unintentionally wanted to see, the six of us made our pilgrimage to the Pothead Mecca itself...

For the sake of clarification, we are not potheads. We just eat like we are.

Most of us had never eaten at said establishment, myself included. Therefore, it did not initially dawn on me that their sandwiches were roughly the size of a Cheez-It. So after ordering four burgers from a cashier that had the English skills of a mute chimpanzee, I finally sat down, ready to find out what the big deal was. So now, I must ask...

What the $#!& are you potheads smoking?

Don't answer that.

I have eaten some pretty lousy food in my day. You don't become a semi-regular at Denny's without some residual side effects. But these "burgers" looked (and tasted) like the underbelly of roadkill. Some of you may be asking how I know what roadkill underbelly tastes like. Remember...I eat at Denny's.

After pondering the benefits of vomiting, we called it a night and headed home to civilization. But a good time was had by all, mostly at Jersey's expense. Then again, they did have a standalone Chick-Fil-A, so maybe I've misjudged the Garden State all along.

Wow, I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

Until next time...
Dan

Update: Be sure to read Mike's account of our trip at http://soupnyc807.blogspot.com/2006/02/february-18.html