Bloggus Maximus

I have a lot of ground to cover, including Working for the Man, Part IV and this week's installment of What Dan Learned . But first, the touching tale of a car dealership's utter stupidity...

Upon Closer Inspection...

I took my car (Pepe) to Hyundai yesterday for my annual state inspection. Now although I bought Pepe this past October, my inspection and emission stickers expire in, well, 3 days. I told you I was the Current and Reigning King of Procrastination (tm)...

Anyway, I always found it a little funny that I had to get my car inspected so soon, but I chalked it up to buying my car so late in the year. So I brought it in, and the Hyundai Desk Dude (HDD) started chuckling to himself. When I asked what was up, he said that I should not be getting my inspection now, but rather in October. I shouldn't have been shocked, considering this was the same conglomeration of geniuses that had my temporary registration expire two days after I bought the car.

I thought I was scot-free at this point, but oh no...he said he would have to inspect the car anyway, but he would charge it to the Hyundai Sales Department. "That's more than fair," I thought...until he said, "Then you'll have to bring it back to get inspected again in October." Looking for clarity yet knowing what the answer would be, I asked, "This October?" A simple nod confirmed my suspicions that yes, my new car would have to be inspected twice within a 6 month span and yes, Hyundai has low hiring standards.

Working for the Man, Part IV

The next chapter in the sordid employment history of yours truly...

Babbage's/Gamestop/Software Etc./Whatever They're Called This Week

Duration of Stay
6 months

Job Duties

• Cashier
• Professional video game tester (when the boss wasn't around)
  

What Dan Remembers...

• Wael (pronounced "Will" or "Jackass", depending on who you talked to). I could probably write a dissertation on Wael, who was my manager for the first three months of my tenure there. On any given day, he would tell you a story illustrating his mad ninja skill, fighting evildoers who dared attempt to steal precious merchandise from the jewelry store where he previously worked. I'm going to attempt to recreate a typical Wael story, as he would tell it. Keep in mind, he would interject his stories in the middle of conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with stealing, apprehending criminals, or ninja backflips. *ahem* "Yo Daniel, get this. One time at the jewelry store, this guy tried to steal jewelry. So he gets out in the street. I do a flip over the counter. I chase him down and POW POW POW I took him to the ground and said, 'How do you like that, mother fucker?' As he was bleedin', he said, 'I respect you, Wael.' I said, 'That's right, mother fucker.'" I heard variations on this story at least twice a day.
• One day, I was working up front with Wael as he was filing games away. He said, "Daniel, where does Battle Arena Toshinden get filed?" You wouldn't think that question would indicate stupidity...until I told you that the games were filed in alphabetical order.
• I also worked with a guy named Zion. No, that wasn't a nickname. Yes, he was as out there as the name would indicate. Chances were that if he wasn't working, he was at the arcade. Perfect example: he didn't show up to work one day. The Assistant Manager was ready to call him and blast him; I told him to hang on one sec. I walked down to the arcade, and lo and behold...there was Zion.
  
• Wael was also quite possibly the most chauvinistic lifeform to ever walk the earth. He frequently told stories about how his wife "would not dare leave the house" if he wasn't there because, and I quote, "All she's good for is cooking and fucking." So one day, Wael comes back from his break with a Victoria's Secret bag. He holds up the bag, looks at Zion and says, "Zion look...lunch." True to form, Zion asks, "So what did you get to eat?"And people wonder why I question the value of human beings to the world...
• Two kids came in one day, trading in...I shit you not...95 video games. Actually, let me correct myself: there were 5 actual games...just 95 total copies of said games. I attempted to tell my Assistant Manager that this was what we in the retail business would call a "red flag." He said we had to allow the trade-ins anyway. As it turned out, they were two disgruntled Blockbuster employees. Do the math.
• Parents were so oblivious to the ESRB ratings on the box. For those not into video gameage, ESRB ratings are the gaming equivalent to MPAA ratings for movies. One day, this 12-year-old kid came in with his Mom, acting like such a prick to me and my co-worker. So the Mom brings Resident Evil up to purchase. Again, for the uninitiated, Resident Evil (especially in 2000) was one of the most violent video games out there, though it's probably considered tame by today's standards. But anyway, I felt that it was my obligation as a concerned citizen/spiteful dickhead to inform the Mom that Resident Evil was rated M for Mature, containing excess amounts of violence, blood, and gore...and thus may unsuitable for children under the age of 17. She slammed the game down, increduous that her son would "trick her" into buying this game. She grabbed the kid's hand and stormed out. The kid looked back at me, certainly wishing a painful death upon me...and I just folded my arms and smiled.
  

My Moment of Clarity (a/k/a when I got the hell out)
I saw American Beauty in the movie theatre. Remember the scene where Kevin Spacey essentially tells his boss to go fuck himself? Some saw it as quality scriptwriting; I saw it as inspiration to quit the next day.

What Dan Learned...
Although it wasn't the best place to work, DAMN I miss that discount...

Next time: Working for the Man becomes Working for the Mouse...

What Dan Learned This Week

• You are looking at the king of Scene It and Scattergories. Try to dethrone me...
• It's so hard to decide on one defining nickname for Pocket Kings in Texas Hold 'Em Poker...
  
• Pop Tarts = God's food...
• Seeing my neighbor bend over in her garden may have been the most vomit-inducing thing I have ever seen...
• It just never gets old hearing people remind me that my last name is the name of a violent action...
• Wal-Mart always tries to deflect the notion that they're a Redneck's Emporium. Then someone explain to me why my local Wal-Mart has a live bait vending machine outside their store. I shit you not...
• Answers to all moral and ethical dilemmas can be found by referencing shows from ABC's original TGIF lineup. Yes, that includes Just the Ten of Us. Bill Kirchenbauer knows all...

That is all.

Dan Will Be Learning in a Different Time Zone

I'm going to be in Seattle for a conference through next Friday. Because the ability to blog through mental telepathy has not yet been fully materialized, I seriously doubt there will be an update for a week or so. But you know me...stupidity follows me wherever I go, so I'm sure there will be bulletpoints galore when I return.

Until next time...
Dan