Working for the Man, Part I

Every time I talk to my buddy Tom, we inevitably reminisce about all of the shitty jobs we've ever held. After talking to him this weekend, I thought it might be an interesting blogging adventure through the Wayback Machine of Menial Labor . So without further ado, let's take a look back at the last 12 years of me...

Working For the Man (part I)

Our Lady of Charity Rectory

Duration of Stay
3 years (1992-1994)

Job Duties

• Answering phones for the priests
• Serving them dinner
• Sitting on a couch and watching TV

What Dan Remembers...

• Anytime I would page the Pastor to tell him he had a phone call, he inevitably would ask, "Did they ask for me?" Even if they didn't ask for him, I would always tell him they did, just so I could go back and watch Tiny Toons.
• Opening the priests' refrigerator and finding several cases of beer was like seeing a picture of a naked woman for the first time; for a 12-year-old, it changes your perspective on everything.
  
• The couch where we sat in the lounge was roughly 50 years old. It smelled like a yard sale and had springs sticking out everywhere.
• Anytime I was asked to fill out a Mass Card, I would say, "The woman who does the Mass Cards isn't here, so please call back tomorrow." I technically told the truth; I just left out the part that I didn't pay attention when said woman told me how to do them.
• Going upstairs to the priests' "quarters" was one of those unwritten taboos; you just didn't do it. So of course, I did it...to discover they had big-screen TVs and gigantic stereo systems. Vow of poverty my ass...
• Priests are served hand and foot. Professional cleaners come in frequently to vacuum the place, and cooks prepared meals for them every night. One cook in particular, Faye, would always prepare a seven-course meal; they would eat about one course of it. I'm pretty sure it was out of spite because she was so damned annoying.

My Moment of Clarity (a/k/a when I got the hell out)
Ok, picture this scenario: you (meaning me) attempt to transfer a phone call to a priest, who we'll call Father Bob. You accidentally lose the call. Twenty minutes later, you're on the phone with a friend, when Father Bob storms down the steps. He approaches you in a tight tank top and neon orange biker shorts, showing the most body hair this side of Chewbacca. Yes, this is still a priest we're talking about.

Father Bob then commands you to get off the phone (though you were actually encouraged to talk freely on the phone as long as you weren't busy). Father Bob not only calls you a sneak and a liar, but tells you that you must be a disappointment to your parents...all because you lost his phone call. You simultaneously tremble and stifle your laughter, because you're being yelled at, but you're being yelled at by Sasquatch in biker shorts. Father Sasq...uh...Father Bob notices your attempt to suppress laughter and becomes more incensed. You realize that going to him for Confession is no longer an option. You can't get the vision of a gay-looking Wooly Mammoth out of your head. You decide to get the hell out of there.

What Dan Learned...
I have a fear of body hair.


Toys R Us

Duration of Stay
2 months (1996)

Job Duties

• My sole duty was to put returns back. That tells you a lot about the quality of merchandise sold at Toys R Us.

What Dan Remembers...

• The comprehensive application included questions like, "If your friend steals from the store, would you tell us?" and "Can you count to 50?" I shit you not.
  
• My friend Brian decided it would be a good idea to show me how to play Super Mario 64 in the store, as the Nintendo 64 had just arrived that year. The manager came up to Brian and said, "This is your last warning...no more playing video games", implying that Brian was already reprimanded about this before.
• On a whim, aforementioned friend Tom and Brian built a Lego Fortress as tall as the highest endcap in the store. Suffice to say, they were asked (threatened) to take it down.
• At the same time I was working at Toys R Us, I was president of Our Lady of Charity's CYO. Deciding that I no longer wanted to do it (especially after the Chewbacca Incident), I "resigned" from a Toys R Us pay phone on my break. In the biggest slap in the face in modern Catholic Youth Organization history, the next CYO newsletter said, and I quote, "Dan has resigned as President of our CYO. We wish him luck in his future endeavors at Toys R Us." Nine years later, the priest who wrote that remark is enjoying the fruits of fatherhood...and I'm not talking about his life in the ministry.
  
• I competed with this guy Ken for the affection of a co-worker Danielle. After thwarting each other's attempts for romance for weeks, we found out she was taken anyway.
• Every single time that I was called up for my break, the manager would say, "Ok Dan time for your 15...I mean 10-minute break." Too bad my selective hearing prevented me from picking up any words after the syllable "-teen."
• I worked there the year that Tickle-Me-Elmos took off. Imagine 50 of those goddamn things going off at once when they all came in on backorder. Yet I live to tell about it...
  

My Moment of Clarity
I walked into work the week after Christmas and looked at the following week's schedule...noticing that I wasn't on it. I had this subsequent conversation with my manager, the paragon of sympathy:

Me: Am I still working here?
Manager: Are you on next week's schedule?
Me: No.
Manager: Guess not.

What Dan Learned
Despite the million toys at Toys R Us that I could play with, I no longer wanted to be a Toys R Us kid.


Pathmark

Duration of Stay
3 weeks

Job Duties

• Cashier

What Dan Remembers...

• I had no idea there were so many different kinds of lettuce.
  
• This was my first foray into the world of cash registers. While I certainly struggled to get the hang of things, I sure as hell wasn't losing 40 bucks out of my register every single night. They put me on probation 3 weeks in; sensing something was up, I bolted.As it turns out, my manager was caught on camera stealing from my till and the till of the other new guy there.
  

Dan's Moment of Clarity
Yeah, that was it.

What Dan Learned
Unions suck. When I picked up my final paycheck, they told me that my last week was coincidentally the first week union dues were taken out. So they literally handed me a paycheck for $0.00. Up until the Patriot Act, this had to be have been the biggest waste of paper ever.

Well, that concludes it for Part I. I have MANY more jobs to go, just not enough mental capacity to do them all at once.

So until next time...
Dan