Classic Moments in Organized History

As some of you may know, I officially put in my two weeks at Organized Living again. I think I have set some kind of world record: three different jobs that I quit, returned back to, and quit again. Granted, I'm counting my times working for the church rectory at the ripe ol' age of 12, but it still counts!

Wow, it just hit me that I've been working for 13 years now. 13 years, 11 jobs...I'm an employment whore.

Anyway, to mark this less-than-momentous occasion, I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane as I give Organized Living one more proverbial middle finger...

• My manager Bryan...who frequently pointed out my lack of name tag by squeezing my nipple. You think I'm joking...
• The sheer number of customers who thought they were original by pointing out the irony of a store named Organized Living having no discernable traces of organizational skills...
  
• The "Organized Pun" contest, where Melanie and Chrissie vowed to mock me 167 times over the course of one summer by making said "Organized Puns." God bless 'em...they actually pulled it off. ;)
• My buddy Ned figuring there was no better way to break a block of ice than with an aluminum soda can. Apparently, the look on my face was priceless as the soda sprayed directly into my eye.
  
• My buddy Mike and I sitting down and figuring out how many people had left in the (at that time) 6 months we had been there. I believe the body count was 18. Do the math.
  
• My district manager Julia. Imagine a 5-foot-nothing woman with the hair of Frau Farbissna, the voice equivalent of a banshee on crack, and the demeanor of Satan. That was Julia.
  
• Gordon...the only man in the history of modern employment to steal furniture, crash the company delivery truck into a bank, threaten other employees...and get a promotion.
  
• On my first day back at my second go-around at OL, a customer took it upon himself to projectile shat ON THE WALLS of the bathroom.

Last, but certainly not least...Sue Ann Lynch. Ahhh, Sue. The bane of my existance, yet the source of about 60% of my comedic material over the past two years. Out of all of the stories that I could tell about Sue, I think this one sums her up the best:

Generally, the night shift is scheduled until 10:00 PM; generally, I closed up and got the hell out of there by 9:20-ish. This greatly upset Sue, who felt that she was being ripped off from the hours we "promised her." I could see her point; I just could have given two shits. Talk to Sue for ten minutes, and I promise that you would be that callous too.

So whenever Sue was on the day shift, she would frequently hide in the bathroom for twenty minutes AFTER her scheduled clock-out time so that she could make up the money she felt she lost on the night shift. I knew fully well what she was doing; I just like picking my moments. Such a moment arrived on a snowy night in December. Ned and I got the word from the rest of the stores in the shopping center that they were all closing about four hours early. We broke the horrible news to our employees, all of whom were broken up and destroyed*. The last person I told was Sue, which resulted in the following conversation:

Me: Ok Sue, clock out.
Sue: Right after I go to the bathroom.
Me: Nope, clock out...then you can go to the bathroom.
Sue: Right after I go to the bathroom. (I didn't say the conversation made sense)
Me: Sue, you clock out now or I clock you out anyway. Your choice.
(Sue stares blankly and gives me the puppy lip, which has only worked on me once in my life. This wasn't that once.)
Me: We do not pay you to go to the bathroom. Now go.

Sue reluctantly clocked out, giving me the evil eye the whole way. I continued to close down the store for about five minutes or so before Ned told me the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. She complained to him and said...and I quote..."Dan will not let me get paid while I pee."

First off, I didn't think 55-year-old women could say the word "pee" with a straight face in the midst of angrily complaining to a higher-up. Second...I don't really have a second. I just wouldn't pay the old whackjob to pee. It's really that simple.

But the second go-around at OL was not nearly as fun. No titty twisters or backed-up old women. BUT, it did help me buy my new car, so it certainly served it's purpose. So for the last time, I say...

"Have an organized day."

*shudders* I feel so dirty.

Until next time...
Dan

* "all" meaning Sue